“The guy’s a fierce competitor…hates losing…great to watch him play.” Sound like the description of any athletes you’ve read about or known? The competitive drive, while well and good in the structured, rules-centric arena of sports events, is not so welcome between friends, family members, co-workers and lovers. “Competition is good, but NIMBY (not in my back yard).”
The drive to come out on top, to be right, to sell the most widgets, or to have the best spot is one we all struggle with sometimes. Some of us deny that we have such a drive, always giving over to somebody else who wants what we want. Others, talented and experienced at competing and quicker than most, take everything they can every chance they get, trumpeting “I got here first, to the winner gets the spoils”. We want to be right so we can feel good about ourselves; we tell ourselves we like to debate or are good at winning arguments. We also want to be right so we can avoid feeling wrong, which deep inside can equate to feeling bad about ourselves, unworthy, and even endangered. “If I’m wrong, what will happen to me?”
Some of the most beautiful epiphanies in life are when we can admit to one we were competing with that we made a mistake or were out of line, without making ourselves wrong for having done so. Humble moments following the heat of battle (either subtle or overt) are paradoxically moments of great strength and love.
Looking under the hood, we see several root beliefs and imprints causing us to repeatedly and habitually dip into the chaotic waters of competition. The scarcity judgment many hold is a big issue. “There isn’t enough, so I better go get mine now before s/he does”. People with a sense of entitlement are oft-admired and yet this sense can come by having competed ruthlessly and won, then forgetting having done so; or worse, justifying past heartless competitive behaviour by blaming, belittling or finding fault with the vanquished in some way. These are folks who as children or young adults were never taught limits or boundaries around overriding others to get what they want. Or, they had things given to them without being taught the need to appreciate what abundance is and from whence it comes.
Every strong feeling in the book gets stirred by competing, whether we like competing or not. In order to balance the reality of living in a competitive world we have to come to terms with these feelings and express them by the fullest means at our disposal. The cost of denying how we really feel about competing and why we compete or don’t compete and what drives all of it is that history will be doomed to repeat itself until we end the denial of our feelings. Ultimately, we need to reveal these feelings to God or Earth Mother or Great Spirit, whomever we each call Deity. We need to show how we really feel about why we so desperately need to be right all the time or why we don’t have enough love or money or resources, about “living in a dog eat dog world”. Are we enraged at Him/Her/The Universe for not bringing enough? We need get real. At that point, we can start to gain understanding about how we can come to balance with these heavy issues.