Sexual interaction isn’t only for pleasure and union, it is also a crucible for the deepest and most needful healing and dealing possible. What happens when we find ourselves partnered with a survivor of sexual abuse? Having been in that role myself, I find that the pattern seems to be that the preponderence of pleasure and true union eventually gives way to much time spent in the crucible. (For readability’s sake, I’m going to use feminine pronouns ‘she’ and ‘her’ to indicate the survivor, and ‘he’ and ‘his’ for the partner, with an understanding that in many couples the genders are reversed or the same.)

There are some key points for partners of survivors to take in deeply. First is that the survivor has been violated in the deepest point in her being, often more than once, and is likely at some point during any given sexual interaction to be triggered into a physical or emotional memory, even if she has already done a lot of recovery work. Because sexual violation touches the core of the individual, the recovery can last a lifetime.This reality does not preclude loving and joyful sex, but can include indefinitely ongoing triggers that arise across time.

Secondly, the partner’s natural sexual desire can also serve as a memory trigger in and of itself for the survivor. Survivors are hypersensitive to the slightest presence of sexual need or hunger in anyone coming on to them. In the right circumstances, this is no problem, but any hesistancy at all on the part of the survivor as to whether to engage can possibly result in her partner “wearing the face” of her abuser, in an emotional or visceral sense.

The most important word for the survivor and her partner is ‘no’. For the most healing result, the partner of a survivor needs to back off sexual advance or interaction immediately upon hearing the word or even the intimation that the original reception to sex has shifted for the survivor. Anything else, such as her partner’s ignoring or negotiating with the survivor’s desire to stop, or his delaying stoppage, results in a reconditioning of the old wound.

The upside of the partner’s impeccability is that the destroyed trust in the core wound of the survivor can rebuild more quickly if she can learn to trust that her ‘no’ has power. This is a necessary stage towards complete recovery for the survivor so that loving and fulfilling sexuality can manifest as the norm. The partner can help the survivor, and in turn, himself by assisting the potential of this manifestation with such impeccability.

Equally important for the partner is his ability to safely and appropriately express feelings of angry frustration, grief, hurt or terror and judgments that “it will always be like this”, “I don’t think I can stand being thwarted like this forever”, etc. It can be terrifying for the survivor to experience her partner expressing or even having such feelings, but is often quite necessary for healing to occur on both sides of the equation. It is crucial that the emotions here are handled responsibly, which is most often a difficult task.

Closing the sexual gap between lovers means expressing and being honest and upfront with feelings on both sides, no matter what those feelings involve. Because of the depth of the issue at hand, this process can be akin to handling dynamite or nuclear waste safely, yet it must be done, no matter how many missteps, for overall evolution to occur in this most sensitive of relational arenas.