Within nearly every adult human lies the ability to bond and join with another adult at the deepest possible levels through sexual union. It is this ideal that keeps many of us searching for the perfect coupling to bring us the bliss we have heard about, that we dream is possible, and that we even fleetingly achieved one time, one night, years ago with somebody who isn’t even around anymore. True magic and power, the ultimate creative rocket fuel, is inherent in our sexuality, but in most of us it sure doesn’t feel that way. Some of us feel sexually depressed, asexual, ho-hum or downright averse to sexual interaction. On the other end of the continuum lie those of us intensively driven to attain this bliss, scrambling past one lacklustre or okayish orgasm after another in a desperate urge to finally find it, never stopping to feel the emotional backlog accrued along the way.
Two main patterns (with variations) of adult sexual wounding can be isolated. Firstly, having sex when we don’t really feel like it, caving to either internal or external pressure. Or, moving too rapidly into sex and, once engaged, towards orgasm. “Too rapidly” means suppressing feelings of wanting to take one’s time, or succumbing to old habits of impatience or need for the orgasmic jolt (different from the oneness of union alluded to earlier).
The main agents of wounding involved here are sexual guilt (“I’ve been saying no a lot, I should give my partner a ‘yes’ this time”, or “I don’t want to hurt him/her”), sexual terror (“I don’t DARE say no again”, or “I’m afraid to slow him/her down, I’m afraid of their anger, I’m afraid of the backlash”), and sexual rage (“aren’t you finished YET?!”, or “c’mon c’mon it’s going to be so good, let’s keep GOING…what’s wrong?! What do you mean, you want to stop?”, or bodily pounding, acting out a desire to dominate, etc). Though by no means an exclusive listing, these are some of the words associated with emotions that arise from a lack of inner and inter alignment with acting on sexual feelings.
To create space for oneness, we must clear out what keeps us divided from ourselves and each other. We can’t just go directly to feeling sexually patient by deciding so; we must really be there. When triggered before, during, or after sex, feeling and expressing these old, formerly-denied feelings can help, in all the ways previously described in this space. If you can dare to stop and feel, notice how hard it is to stop! This is how strong our sexual imprinting is. It’s right to want and pursue yummy sexual feelings, but the backlog must be addressed whenever stirred, else the yummies get achieved with a potentially harsh price that will be collected on sooner or later.
If your partner needs to cry during or after sex, encourage that; this clearing is absolutely necessary and in most cases does not reflect how well you “performed”. These tears probably have nothing to do with you, other than the help you gave your partner with your very presence so s/he could open deeply enough to fully feel him or herself. Also, the more deliberately we can engage our sexuality, the more likely it is that we will feel ourselves fully as we go along, and not deny our feelings. Sexual interaction isn’t only for pleasure and union, it is also a crucible for the deepest and most needful healing and dealing possible.